I'm angry. Really angry.
It's not fair.
This is awful. Yeah, awful. The stress feels awful; my pretty-as-a-picture life feels awful. I just want to scream I HAVE CANCER. I want to scream because I'm being held hostage. Raw, anxiety fueled emotions are tearing me up. I'm snotty. I'm bitchy.
My chest aches from holding down tears. They rise, I breathe, I stop them. Maybe, just maybe a tear or two will fight for release. Then... one thought, one phone call, one anything will push me over into that dark place filled with uncontrollable tears.
Cancer, it's all about my cancer. I'm ashamed that I can't pull myself together and just get over these crazy fears. Fearing chemo. Fearing being sick. Fearing that I have made the wrong choices. Fearing that now I can't keep my fears to myself.
This cancer is changing who I am.