Early afternoon, on Saturday, my treatment grabbed my sanity. Hard, it really hit me hard like a killer flu. Nausea, achy, and bone numbing exhaustion took control of my physical body and fear crept into that hairline crack in my soul. You know that place, where we wrestle with trying to control God's plan and wonder "why me?"
Sitting hurt, laying down hurt, so I tried walking, every-so-slowly around my home. I was a basket case, taking one slow step then another - trying to ease my pain. Steve held my arm so that I wouldn't fall. He held me up to God when I cried. Over and over I repeated...."I Can Do This, I Can Do This" as I fought to put one foot in front of the other, praying for comfort. I had no control over my pain and was completely overwhelmed with the severity of this life-changing challenge.
Meds helped combat some of the symptoms but I couldn't get total relief from the pain. The unknown had taken over our home, and the reality in the moment shook Steve and me to the core. By Sunday I was a stinky, pitiful sight in wrinkled pajamas and I didn't even care. I could taste and smell the chemicals that now live in my body. No matter how many times I brushed my teeth, the awful taste wouldn't go away.
For this woman that needs to be dressed, made up, and fresh, I couldn't stand the person staring back at me in the mirror. I felt vulnerable, with no armor to hide behind. All I saw was a smelly mess of emotions and pain.
By Sunday afternoon I desperately needed a bath. I didn't have the energy to shower and wash my hair but I could sit in a warm tub of water. Steve was right there, next to me, talking to me, encouraging me. I felt like a small child being bathed. It was another low moment for me, realizing that I couldn't fight this cancer battle with dignity.
I slowly washed my body and tried soaking the ache- pulling it- willing it out of my body. Steve gently washed my back, at a loss how to make me feel better, but still trying, at every turn, to make me comfortable. His next words relayed his need to serve and care for me. A simple sentence that spoke volumes.....
Do you want me to wash your bottom?
Total and pure unconditional love.
I'm blessed to have that kind of love in my life.
I feel well enough to write this morning. Words are my power. Words heal.